What You Don't Know About Zombies...

Foreword: To my more loyal readers, I would do well to mention that, yes, this is about zombies- though all of you know I care little for the zombie archetype in film and folklore. The notion is just silly when it comes down to it- seriously... Dead people getting up and walking around, eating the brains of the living and moaning incomprehensibly like Ethiopians? Come on! The zombie is a metaphorical device- and a witty one- but nothing more.

To my newer/less ravenous readers, I would do well to inform you that I hate zombies. Such things can never and will never exist.

That said, it is time to begin my latest excretion of the literary glands- and I will begin by admitting that I JUST LIED TO YOU. Although I maintain that I disapprove of the zombie archetype, it is, however, very possible- and the probability grows with each day.

Grady, you have to be fucking kidding me!

I kid you not, um... Grady. Let's look at a widely known fact:
A zombie is a reanimated corpse; a dead being who, by one agent or another, has gained the ability to crawl from its grave or crypt to mildly unsettle the living.

Now, let us look at a little known fact:
There are many scientific causes for zombification- though no wild-haired PhD has ever actually called it by that name. Let's look at one we have all heard about.

Mad Cow Disease: This is the result when you feed ground-up cow to another cow. Then killing the cow and feeding it to yet another unknowing, but grateful cow. Do this a hundred times, and you get a cow that has just ingested a superprotein and finds itself going insatiably crazy at the drop of a hat. The aggression experienced could be compared to rabies, but I would bet my money on Mad-Bessie over Cujo, any day. What happens when a human ingests a burger infected the Mad Cow Strain? Another disease known as Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. That sounds pretty bad... German-named diseases are always trouble. But is it like Alzheimer's?

No. No, it's not. C-J Disease has a number of disturbing side effects; all of which remind me pointedly of zombies. The most extreme of these are changes in stride, hallucinations, lack of coordination, muscle twitching, seizures, and rapidly developing dementia.

So, can we expect the living dead to come for you, Barbara? No, I don't think so. Most of the Mad Cow Scare is over, considering the precautions that are being taken to prevent exactly this. But are we safe from other conditions mirroring the undead? No, we are not.

There are unseen forces which can turn us into living corpses- just as there are parasites such as the tapeworm, feeding on your nourishment until you are dead, there are also parasites in your brain which, let's face it, know how to work your brain signals better than you do. The most frightening of these brain parasites is called toxoplasmosa gondii. The fact that TPG is quite often found in rats means little in the long-run, considering that literally fifty percent of all humans are infected with TPG. Seriously: spit in the air, it will land on a zombie larva.

How, do you ask, does this parasite create zombies? I'm glad you asked. As I have said, TPG is commonly found in rats- they love to live in those little rodent brains. Unfortunately for them, they are forced to reproduce inside the intestines of cats. As the salmon are irrationally drawn to swim up waterfalls to spawn, so are TPG drawn to feline innards as a mating ground. How do they do this? Well, that's easy! They manipulate the rat brains they call home, crossing signals and taking up the reins, forcing the rat to go against its strongest instinct of survival, allowing itself to be eaten by the cat.

That's a little scary, you might be thinking. Now remember that these parasites live in half of the human population. Also, you might do well to consider the fact that all creatures are constantly adapting and when the TPG learns to pilot the human brain, three and a half billion people are going to be under the control of microscopic parasites similar to those creating the undead outbreak in Resident Evil...

But is there anything Science can do to stop this from happening?
Don't be ridiculous. Science is intrigued by the idea of corpses walking around. More than that, the corporations and industries of the world are itching to get their hands on all that free slave-labor. Remember, human rights are voided upon death. So what is Science's role in creating a zombie outbreak? Why, they're engineering one, of course.

Genetic Engineering: Now, I'm not normally one to bash this sort of thing. I think the proper research could go a long way toward bettering the human race. Sadly, the aforementioned wild-haired scientists are only looking for results in research which is, as they put it, really, really cool. While they are under the pretense of using neurogenesis (revitalizing dead brain cells) in the effort to revive coma patients), we have to understand that no matter how long you keep a body on suspended animation, regrowing a dead brain and putting it in a skull- very much like Dr. Frankenstein- is still reanimation of corpses. Do the scientists know this? Of course. Oddly enough, this research is actually called reanimation research. I'm not certain, but I think there was a horror story by either H.P. Lovecraft or E.A. Poe which predicted exactly this crisis.

So, obviously science is against us, as well. Will no one take our side? Not even nature?
Hah! Nature is the worst one. In fact, there are literally hundreds of natural things out there that can cause a body to fall into the zombie category. To be honest, the zombie stories originated from these very things. In India there is a snake, the Krait, whose venomous bite causes the victim to fall into a deep paralysis. In most cases, the victim will wake up after burial, clawing their way from the earth, but some unfortunate souls have awoken to find themselves on an autopsy table with the rib-separators deep in their chests. Snake bites aren't all, though. There are naturally occurring chemicals that have been in use as folk remedies for thousands of years (most residing in Africa and Central America) which will have identical results. On top of all this, there are neurotoxins- poisonous bacteria/viruses/particles which directly affect the brain- just floating around out there. When brains are introduced to these neurotoxins, their serotonin levels become erratic and the subject is often- and irreparably- damaged. This happens more often that most people would imagine. Ever wonder why every town has that one crazy guy wandering around, dressing in women's clothing and cursing at children from across the street? Chances are, he has been introduced to neurotoxins which have caused his mental acuity to deteriorate drastically.

I haven't even gotten to my own theories on long-term insomnia and slow-sleeper insomnia having zombie-like effects, nor have I mentioned the widely discussed Nano-bot Conspiracies (because I think they're bullshit) but I think I've successfully put the fear of the dickens in you nonetheless.

But seriously, what are the chances of ME becoming a zombie?
Well, when you look at the fifty percent infection rate of toxoplasmosa gondii, the millions of Kraits in India, the thousands of naturally occurring chemicals in the third world, the scientific experimentation, Mad Cow Disease, or the possibility of unexpected mutation of potential pandemics, I'd say the chances are more likely than any of us would like to admit. And the scariest part? If not for George Romero and his myriad zombie flicks, we would have little idea what we were in for.

So, when you get down on your knees tonight, praying to God for the health of your family and friends, you might want to add this short passage along with the others: "... and please don't let anyone come in contact with any of the thousands of things which could make them turn into a living-corpse eating my face. Amen."