Let it be known, before I get bombarded with hate mail, that I am not an Anti-American foreigner from some country you can't even locate on a map. I am an American, born and bred, and if you must hate me, hate me for my lack of patriotic ignorance. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate America- some of the scenery is quite picturesque, but aside from that, I've lost most faith in my "great" nation.
#5) SCENERY:
Okay, so I lied. Although there are a few national spectacles such as the Grand Canyon, most of the country is a vortex of suburbanite vapidity, complete with cookie-cutter housing, identical SUVs, and smug people with high-paying jobs that they hate, or it is fatally mundane with farmland, which is not only unsightly, but it also smells quite bad. Aside from the handful of beautiful landscapes in this huge country, we have little worth living for.
How, you may ask, does this contribute to our downfall?
It's simple, really; we refuse to look at ourselves and what little we have, so we look to the other nations of the world- and that usually ends with "conflict." It is quite possible that we are jealous of the superior asthetics of other countries and, though we pretend to not see them, we secretly pine for such landscapes of our own. What is the Grand Canyon when compared to the marvel of stonehenge or the Great Wall of China? These man made structures have stood the test of time, drawing tourists from all over the world, all year long. Is the Grand Canyon so special? Isn't it just a natural rift in the surface of a very trite desert? If holes in the ground are what interests us, why don't we take a look at Australia's Wolfe Creek Crater: a monolithic hole in the ground that started its existence as a projectile from outer space? I mean, how cool is that? A freaking burning rock hurled through an ungodly distance of space to end up in Australia... There isn't much out there more impressive than that.
But what about the Grand Canyon?
Well, typical deluded Americans will tell you that a giant named Paul Bunyan, occompanied by his blue ox companion, dragged his enormous axe across the ground, tearing it into a gaping void for disfunctional families to shoot photos of on their bicker-ridden family trip. But that's just a bit preposterous, isn't it? More than that, it is blatant vandalism- which should not be condoned by a land arrogant enough to call itself "THE GREATEST NATION IN THE WORLD." When compared to so many other wonders, America's pride and joy is nothing more than a pathetic crack in the desert.
#4) GUNS:
Many Americans don't know this, but most of the world aren't packing! In a country where everybody and their mother is strapped to the teeth, you would expect crime to be very low, indeed. After all, how many people are going to break into a home or car, or try to attack a loner in a park, when the chance of finding yourself at gunpoint is pretty likely? The sad truth of it is, most people who own a gun to protect themselves in such a situation own pesky .22 caliper six-shooters, quite often locked away in a box. The criminals, on the other hand, are sporting glock nine millimeters, ground down and illegally modified to automatics. The crime rate doesn't suffer much when the police are carrying Colt .45's and the perpetrators are boasting Tech 9's and Mac 10's. Not to mention the southern gents with entire arsenals of heavy machine guns and anti-armor missiles, or the wholists who fill their basements with grenades and Uzi's in preparation of the Apocalypse.
What is the danger, then? Obviously we are more prepared than other countries...
Do you remember what happened during the original radio broadcast of War of the Worlds? The hoax was effective enough to bring riots to the streets- and this was just a radio program! I'm not saying that E.T. is going to pop in for a reunion with Elliot and the whole country's going to go haywire, but let's look at America's stress-management problem... We thought little green men were coming down to meet our leaders and, rather than banding together diplomatically, preparing ourselves for anything, we started breaking windows and stealing friggin' groceries. Do any of you remember what it was like when your second grade teacher stepped out of the classroom for even the most brief of moments? The room went fucking crazy! Kids climbing on desks, paper airplanes whirring through the air like recyclable Red Barons, students who only moments before were respectful human beings, suddenly lost thousands of years of evolution, regressing back into a more primordial state. Now, I ask you, what will happen when a nuke is finally launched, either at us or an "ally?" With the teacher's eye turned away, the monkeys will return, this time armed like terrorists and meaning business. As soon as the precarious hold over humanity trembles, America will be there to spill the blood.
#3) Education:
Speaking of children behaving like monkeys in classrooms, I have fluidly moved on to the next plague on the American Empire. The educational system is certainly better than what could be found in third world countries that worship charter planes flying overhead... but what kind of boast is that? That's like beating a thousand one-legged, eighty-year-old runners afflicted with Downs Syndrome in a marathon. A few scant countries in Asia, Africa, and South America are less educated than we, but Oprah is determined to change that. As it turns out, Australia and many countries in Europe are way ahead of us in education- and that's just to name a few. If you are a typical American, have a conversation with a typical German or Englishman sometime. First of all, you will have to speak with them for hours before you get over the fact that they have accents... and use the metric system, but you will come to realize that their vocabulary dwarfs your own. And you will most likely find that many of them are fluent in several languages. The Dutch, for instance, speak four languages. Four languages! We can't comprehend this in America... some of us speak half-ass Spanish and half-ass English, but let's face it; ebonics and foreign curse words do not count as languages. Most importantly, though, America has taken the lazy approach to education by stating that "America is the greatest country in the world... the only one that matters. If you look here on the map, children, you will see Eer... eer... Oh, Europe. England is over here, somewhere, and France, I think. Oh, and the Dominican Republic, Mars, and Atlantis." It is at the fault of haphazard education that Americans are so ignorant to the fact that there are other countries. We tend to believe that Europeans still live in huts with dirt floors, trading in beads and goats, just waiting until the day that America graces them with electricity, like Prometheus bringing fire to the mortals... Let's not forget what happened to Prometheus, by the way...
America's ignorance is one of the greatest contributors to the coming downfall. But it is not the end...
#2) THE MEDIA
Sure! Who can forget such classic moments in Amercian film as Clint Eastwood beseeching punks to make his day and aliens from long ago insisting that the force is quite strong with a poorly dressed orphan with bad hair? But films are more important to typical Americans than just occupying ninety minutes of their time while the obesity rate soars to infinite... and beyond. It is our window to the rest of the world, the only outlet most of us have to these so-called other countries. Unfortunately, this window is often tinted to our own colors, as such films as Hostel and Duece Bigalow: European Gigalow. Our perspective of the rest of the world is skewed by the unfair stereotypes the media bestows upon the rest of the world, for whatever reasons. But is American film so great that it should be the primary source of culture? Hell no. In fact, the days of Great American Film are over. In its place is the redundant regurgitations of other, more successful stories from the past, though these puddles of vomit still gross millions, thanks to the ignorant American patrons that think culture is just a term used for cottage cheese. Many Americans have noticed the decline in Cinema, though, and to accomodate the few cattle who broke away from the herd, American Cinema answered back with a bombshell. Now, in addition to screenwriters chucking up leftover plots from the year before, American Cinema is also puking up stolen leftovers from countries like Japan- who have realized how crappy certain movies were and have since vowed never to repeat them, upon penalty of hari kiri. But shameless and proud America will continue chewing the cud until next year, where the same movies will be released under different titles, scraping the bottom of a gene pool long since gone to oblivion. It is the cinematic version of cousins marrying themselves into substandard IQ's in the name of royal blood. The biggest downfall of this tragic happenstance is simply contributing to the insurmountable ignorance of the people. If you were to ask most Americans about the end of the conflict in Viet Nam, many would tell you that John Rambo single-handedly won the war, blowing up a helecopter with a friggin' rock. I hate to burst your bubble, friends, but the Infallible American Forces lost the conflict in Viet Nam, and John Rambo never existed. It is this mentality that will decide America's loss, when World War III commences.
By the way, an Austrian cyborg really isn't coming back from the future to stop Judgement Day... That too is a fabrication.
#1) Attitude:
But for all of our downfalls, the number one is just the simple arrogant attitude so easily encorporated by common Americans. That attitude is the epitome of the aforementioned cons of modern American society. We still have little idea that other countries exist- and if they do, surely their soldiers are inferior, their technology is inferior, and what's the big deal? Everyone loves Americans- we're awesome! Sorry friends, but this couldn't be any less true. I remember seeing footage from Israel, some years ago, where a Palastinian was throwing rocks at an oncoming M11 Tank. I couldn't help but think of America here, because- even though the Palastinian possessed no weapon other than rocks- Americans would likely adopt little more than stones of their own, if we were face-to-face with an invading army. We are raised under the mantra of "Greatest Nation in the World" and, therefore, we rarely question the frame of refference. We blindly assume that America can get out of any situation, just by being America. If an army were to attack on American soil, the first thought of many Americans would be: Pssh. Stupid commies, don't they know we have gun powder? It's like we expect an onrushing assault of Middle Age peasants, shooting bows, brandishing clubs, and hurling strips of meat from plague-ridden dogs. America, seriously, an army is an army. Just being America will do little to free us from tough situations, but by being real human beings who just happen to be from America, perhaps we won't get cold shoulders when we go to other countries. Americans, you won't find a bloody baseball game in England- that's an American game. Scottish people do not drive on the wrong side of the road, just the left side. And that basin in your French hotel room is not a drinking fountain, you dumb bastards: it is called a badet, and is used to clean your nethers. If we could break out of our superior attitude, maybe we wouldn't be the most hated country in the world. Let's face it, America: We are not "the Greatest Nation in the World," but a single blah nation among many other truly Great Nations. Canada, UK, Ireland, Australia, Germany, Poland, the Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Iceland, Denmark, Italy, Greece, Spain, France, Portugal, Japan, and so many more of you- You are the greatest of the truly great nations, and thank you for putting up with us for so long.
