What You Don't Know About Zombies...

Foreword: To my more loyal readers, I would do well to mention that, yes, this is about zombies- though all of you know I care little for the zombie archetype in film and folklore. The notion is just silly when it comes down to it- seriously... Dead people getting up and walking around, eating the brains of the living and moaning incomprehensibly like Ethiopians? Come on! The zombie is a metaphorical device- and a witty one- but nothing more.

To my newer/less ravenous readers, I would do well to inform you that I hate zombies. Such things can never and will never exist.

That said, it is time to begin my latest excretion of the literary glands- and I will begin by admitting that I JUST LIED TO YOU. Although I maintain that I disapprove of the zombie archetype, it is, however, very possible- and the probability grows with each day.

Grady, you have to be fucking kidding me!

I kid you not, um... Grady. Let's look at a widely known fact:
A zombie is a reanimated corpse; a dead being who, by one agent or another, has gained the ability to crawl from its grave or crypt to mildly unsettle the living.

Now, let us look at a little known fact:
There are many scientific causes for zombification- though no wild-haired PhD has ever actually called it by that name. Let's look at one we have all heard about.

Mad Cow Disease: This is the result when you feed ground-up cow to another cow. Then killing the cow and feeding it to yet another unknowing, but grateful cow. Do this a hundred times, and you get a cow that has just ingested a superprotein and finds itself going insatiably crazy at the drop of a hat. The aggression experienced could be compared to rabies, but I would bet my money on Mad-Bessie over Cujo, any day. What happens when a human ingests a burger infected the Mad Cow Strain? Another disease known as Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. That sounds pretty bad... German-named diseases are always trouble. But is it like Alzheimer's?

No. No, it's not. C-J Disease has a number of disturbing side effects; all of which remind me pointedly of zombies. The most extreme of these are changes in stride, hallucinations, lack of coordination, muscle twitching, seizures, and rapidly developing dementia.

So, can we expect the living dead to come for you, Barbara? No, I don't think so. Most of the Mad Cow Scare is over, considering the precautions that are being taken to prevent exactly this. But are we safe from other conditions mirroring the undead? No, we are not.

There are unseen forces which can turn us into living corpses- just as there are parasites such as the tapeworm, feeding on your nourishment until you are dead, there are also parasites in your brain which, let's face it, know how to work your brain signals better than you do. The most frightening of these brain parasites is called toxoplasmosa gondii. The fact that TPG is quite often found in rats means little in the long-run, considering that literally fifty percent of all humans are infected with TPG. Seriously: spit in the air, it will land on a zombie larva.

How, do you ask, does this parasite create zombies? I'm glad you asked. As I have said, TPG is commonly found in rats- they love to live in those little rodent brains. Unfortunately for them, they are forced to reproduce inside the intestines of cats. As the salmon are irrationally drawn to swim up waterfalls to spawn, so are TPG drawn to feline innards as a mating ground. How do they do this? Well, that's easy! They manipulate the rat brains they call home, crossing signals and taking up the reins, forcing the rat to go against its strongest instinct of survival, allowing itself to be eaten by the cat.

That's a little scary, you might be thinking. Now remember that these parasites live in half of the human population. Also, you might do well to consider the fact that all creatures are constantly adapting and when the TPG learns to pilot the human brain, three and a half billion people are going to be under the control of microscopic parasites similar to those creating the undead outbreak in Resident Evil...

But is there anything Science can do to stop this from happening?
Don't be ridiculous. Science is intrigued by the idea of corpses walking around. More than that, the corporations and industries of the world are itching to get their hands on all that free slave-labor. Remember, human rights are voided upon death. So what is Science's role in creating a zombie outbreak? Why, they're engineering one, of course.

Genetic Engineering: Now, I'm not normally one to bash this sort of thing. I think the proper research could go a long way toward bettering the human race. Sadly, the aforementioned wild-haired scientists are only looking for results in research which is, as they put it, really, really cool. While they are under the pretense of using neurogenesis (revitalizing dead brain cells) in the effort to revive coma patients), we have to understand that no matter how long you keep a body on suspended animation, regrowing a dead brain and putting it in a skull- very much like Dr. Frankenstein- is still reanimation of corpses. Do the scientists know this? Of course. Oddly enough, this research is actually called reanimation research. I'm not certain, but I think there was a horror story by either H.P. Lovecraft or E.A. Poe which predicted exactly this crisis.

So, obviously science is against us, as well. Will no one take our side? Not even nature?
Hah! Nature is the worst one. In fact, there are literally hundreds of natural things out there that can cause a body to fall into the zombie category. To be honest, the zombie stories originated from these very things. In India there is a snake, the Krait, whose venomous bite causes the victim to fall into a deep paralysis. In most cases, the victim will wake up after burial, clawing their way from the earth, but some unfortunate souls have awoken to find themselves on an autopsy table with the rib-separators deep in their chests. Snake bites aren't all, though. There are naturally occurring chemicals that have been in use as folk remedies for thousands of years (most residing in Africa and Central America) which will have identical results. On top of all this, there are neurotoxins- poisonous bacteria/viruses/particles which directly affect the brain- just floating around out there. When brains are introduced to these neurotoxins, their serotonin levels become erratic and the subject is often- and irreparably- damaged. This happens more often that most people would imagine. Ever wonder why every town has that one crazy guy wandering around, dressing in women's clothing and cursing at children from across the street? Chances are, he has been introduced to neurotoxins which have caused his mental acuity to deteriorate drastically.

I haven't even gotten to my own theories on long-term insomnia and slow-sleeper insomnia having zombie-like effects, nor have I mentioned the widely discussed Nano-bot Conspiracies (because I think they're bullshit) but I think I've successfully put the fear of the dickens in you nonetheless.

But seriously, what are the chances of ME becoming a zombie?
Well, when you look at the fifty percent infection rate of toxoplasmosa gondii, the millions of Kraits in India, the thousands of naturally occurring chemicals in the third world, the scientific experimentation, Mad Cow Disease, or the possibility of unexpected mutation of potential pandemics, I'd say the chances are more likely than any of us would like to admit. And the scariest part? If not for George Romero and his myriad zombie flicks, we would have little idea what we were in for.

So, when you get down on your knees tonight, praying to God for the health of your family and friends, you might want to add this short passage along with the others: "... and please don't let anyone come in contact with any of the thousands of things which could make them turn into a living-corpse eating my face. Amen."

The Catholic Church

Okay, I've got some things to say about the Catholic Church- Not that I have anything against Cathol, himself, but seriously, people, this shit is cracked. I'm going to make some jokes here- the door is simply open too far to ignore, but what I am talking about is completely true.


The Catholic church has added a new list of "Deadly Sins". The original Seven Deadly Sins- which came from John Milton's "Paradise Lost" and Dante Alighieri's "The Divine Comedy" and not, Ironically, the bible- were, of course: Lust, Greed, Sloth, Pride, Gluttony, Wrath, and Envy. The new Deadly Sins... Oh, goodness, that's so ridiculous to say. Hang on a second while I go off on a tangent...

How can we ADD sins? If we are to believe a word of the Bible, we are to believe ALL OF IT. Perhaps not the more apocryphal passages that didn't even make it into the Old Testament, but WE CAN'T CHANGE THE BIBLE!!! There never should have been a New Testament, King James Version, or Modern Bible for Women. Puh-leeze! Religious Scripture cannot be altered without negating the premise...

... That being said, allow me to introduce you to the new DEADLY sins... While they don't have the verbal zazz of the originals, they are deadly sins- officially.


POLLUTING: While I agree that pollution is a very valid issue, I don't quite understand how the Catholic Church can identify with it- without blinking themselves out of existence, that is. In order for a substance to actually pollute the world, it would have to be man-altered... The Old Testament God didn't create anything which could have possibly polluted the planet. Only synthetics can pollute, where in the days of the Old Testament- hell, up to a hundred years ago, all of our waste was organic- and thus serving as compost, rather than litter. If the Catholic Church agrees that pollution exists, they also must agree that their God doesn't exist.


GENETIC ENGINEERING: That's right! I'm not making this up, I swear. Genetic engineering, i.e. cloning, chromosome manipulation, and the storage or application of stem cells have been added to the Updated List of Deadly Sins. You may be wondering... "Stem cells can potentially SAVE lives- or give us the ability to live forever! How can that be deadly?" I guess the only thing I can say is "Five billion clones: carbon copies of an original, which do not necessarily possess a conscience, an ability to determine right from wrong, or any moral fiber whatsoever. Anyhow, the Church has now called Genetic Engineering a Deadly Sin. I hope to see the update in the up-and-coming Newer New Testament for Modern Men (And Women [And Children]{And beloved, virtuous pets}) which can be downloaded and synched to your iPod for only twelve dollars a month, proceeds going to bigger hats for the Pope.


POSSESSING OBSCENE RICHES: Oh, Geeze, where do I start? I guess, first of all, I should mention the fact that Vatican City- nestled within Italy- is technically its own country. It generates enough revenue to be entirely independent as a nation- the smallest in the world, with one of the largest economies? Where does that money go? Not to the yearly stipend of ministers, that's for sure. One could say that the Vatican, and thus, the Pope, is in possession of obscene riches. Secondly, isn't possessing obscene riches a counterpart of greed? One without as zazzy a title? Next, who determines if one has obscene riches? What exactly is the frame of reference? It is easy to decide that Bill Gates (and the Pope) falls into this category, but how do you decide if YOU do? Perhaps I possess obscene riches because I own three television sets... Perhaps everyone who owns land in Alaska is committing a Deadly Sin because their land is rich with oil. How exactly do we define the bar of OBSCENE RICHES? Furthermore, how is this deadly? At one time, being a King of Kings was surely a deadly thing, but with today's Venture Cards, Brink's Home Security, and Last Will and Testaments, there is little chance of some country bumpkin knocking you off and justly claiming your estate out of conquest. It goes to reason that the man with the most money in the world is the safest man from all designs of death; able to afford better protection, better health care, and better overall quality of living through wealth.
Maybe that's why every Pope lives to be a hundred and sixty years old?

TAKING DRUGS: The scribes who wrote the very Bible we manipulate for political power were toking up on opium and marijuana. There is no doubt about it. Sure, cooking up amphetamines is a little different than smoking a plant, but refer to my first headlining paragraph.... If the church admits that man can make synthetics against the will of God, the aforementioned God surely does not exist. What were they thinking? Deadly, yes. Drugs are deadly. But do they have to be a sin? I think crime is very reasonable. I, for one, do not partake in the use of drugs. I haven't for six years. But I think that calling the use of drugs a sin is a bit boastful and... for lack of a better term: bullshiterifous. Furthermore, is there an ex post facto on the new Deadly Sin? For example, if I did drugs six years ago, before it became a sin, am I still condemned to hell even though it was previously just a crime? According to the vengeful and wrathful God of the Israelites, yes, I would be. But I have a feeling that these new sins are politically motivated, rather than mused from the divine....

ABORTION: There's that political battering ram! Yes, I'm starting to make sense, now. For one thing, killing is killing and is a sin all its own. So why is there a dispute about the virtue/sin of abortion? Because the very Bible we use to spearhead against the Pro-Choice (of which I am part, in the search for population control) states that THE LIFE IS IN THE BLOOD. When does the fetus become infused with blood? Up to eighteen days after fertilization, giving us a two-and-a-half week grace period between Perfectly Okay and Unforgivable Sin. The addition of Abortion as a Deadly Sin only further convinces me that political payoffs are behind this movement. Perhaps the Pope himself is seeking a seat of power- higher power than the mediator between God and the rest of us rats, I mean.


Get this one...

PEDOPHILIA: That's right, kids! It's now a sin for the priest to fuck you! Who in their right mind didn't consider this sinful in the first place? I think, at least, that it was covered by the umbrella sin of LUST. It is my feeling that the inclusion of pedophilia as a Deadly Sin is only a pathetic attempt to redeem themselves after the allegations that have been going on for the last ten years. It's a sad attempt, and one which is far too late. But it certainly is a sin! And one which is deadly when the little boy victim's father finds out what that wolf of the cloth has been up to when Little Johnny was confessing to peeking on his sister changing clothes...

And the last one- and possibly the most humorous/ludicrous...

CAUSING SOCIAL INJUSTICE... Are you fucking kidding me? I cause social injustice every day- and if nothing else, it should redeem me in the sight of God for having the courage to humiliate these sheep! Anyway, myself aside, what is Causing Social Injustice? I couldn't possibly document the whole list, but let's take a look at one petty Social Injustice... Saying you boned someone when you didn't. Of course, every thirteen year old boy has told this lie... and for those few people who were actually believed, this gave a lasting reputation on the victimized female, forever branding her a slut. This is a Social Injustice if ever there was one, but is it really a Deadly Sin? Yes, people have been killed over exactly this, and lying is a sin, but does it really need to accompany the REAL DEADLY SINS of Dante's Divine Comedy? I think not. Another petty scenario, here. Once I was standing in an elevator at the House of Blues Hotel in Chicago. We were going down to the lobby from the Fourth Floor. A ride of about ten seconds. I felt some uncomfortable gas in my midsection, so I squeezed out a rather loud fart. To save myself embarrassment, I turned to the guy next to me and glared at him sharply. The rest of the people in the elevator did the same, making that "Social" situation very uncomfortable for the innocent man. Thus, according to the Newer New Testament for Blah-blah, I am now condemned to hell. Personally, I think the Nazi Pope Benedictine personally recommended this Deadly Sin so that the political cartoons about him in the New York Times will finally come to an end.


Well, friends and fans, that's all i have to say about the Catholic Church, how God does not exist, and the Pope should be lynched publicly. If I go on, I will likely go to prison. I hope you have enjoyed this little article, it having opened your eyes indelibly to the nonsensical nuisance which is organized religion. On the other side, if I have questioned your blind following of the lemming in front of the line and you find yourself extremely offended. Send me all the hate mail you like, for I will feel Socially Injusticed. And you will go to Hell with me.