Existentialism, Self-Reflection, and Identity

What is it that makes a person alive? It is a question which has been mulled over for thousands of years by barstool philosophers, professionals, and melodramatic artists. We all take for granted the fact that we are alive, yes, technically alive. The Bible proclaims that life is in the blood- it is one of my favorite Pro-Choice arguments, so why not bring it up here? I have blood, you have blood, the homeless guy smoking cigarettes on the corner with the ambiguously colored jacket knocking on telephone poles all day has blood, too. But does that mean that we are alive in the spiritual sense, or just the physical?

I would have to say that, in order for someone to be alive, they would have to exist. It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But let that sink in for a moment. Existence is a well-worn novel in the hands of humanity. We have looked it over since the very first psilocybin mushrooms gave us the curse of self-reflection. In order for something to exist, it must be observed interacting with things which are proven to exist. Dark matter and Strange Matter both exist, as they are microscopic particles in distant space which have been observed to have had reaction to not only the surrounding particles, but to the observation, itself. But does a single blade of grass exist if its roots have eroded into nothingness and its angle does not catch the wind? It would have no contact with the other blades of grass, neither above nor below ground, it would be unaffected by the breeze which moves every other blade in sight. Is that blade alive? Does it exist?

I don’t think so. Not in a spiritual or metaphorical sense, anyhow.

There are people in the world who go to work every day, yet no one knows who they are, that pass their neighbors on their way home every day, but that neighbor doesn’t even notice. These same people go out in public and aren’t even seen by the bank tellers, gas station clerks, or other customer service representative who is employed to see these people. These invisible people are the ones who walk into restaurants and seat themselves, because the host or hostess take no notice, then they sit unserved for an hour because nobody sees them sitting as plain as day at their table. These people could quite literally walk into a bank vault and walk out again, unscathed, until the video tapes have been perused for days or even weeks afterward. These background people are real, and we’re everywhere.

I like to think of us as ‘the ones who walk between the rain,’ from a song lyric I heard years ago. It sums us up.

The C.I.A. has been using the knowledge of these Background People for years. There was even a special on 60 Minutes a few years back about how they do it. Anyone remember that one?

No?

That is what has me convinced that we are not alive. In fact, if we were literally not alive, you would never know it. I, personally, could die at home, in public, violently, naturally, or in pretty much any circumstance I wish and the only person who would know is the one who had to clean me up. The only way anyone who knows my name would recognize that I was gone, is when my philo(scoff)ical articles no longer appear. It is my way of coming to the foreground, stepping into the bank vault, so to speak, so that someone watching the surveillance tapes would eventually be forced to see that I’m here. I’m real. I’m alive, physically at least.

I’m sure you’re shaking your head right now- if you’ve even read my words- because such things just aren’t true. You all have somebody in your mind, someone in your heart, and in your phone as well. Most of them are in all three. Up to one hundred fifty people, as dictated by the human brain in a theory referred to as “the monkeysphere.” I’m not joking. But if you were to take the time to imagine that everyone in your phone or rolodex has moved away, become too busy, or had a falling out with you, you might see that there are people who can literally have no one. There are people with no connection with their co-workers, no relationship with their neighbors, no friends to remember their birthday, and no family to remember their name. If you’ve imagined it this far, you might as well picture what your life would be like when the only voice you hear directed at you throughout your day is your own. It is a hell, a misery which even the most vile and abominable of criminals does not deserve. It is a good reason why the ones who walk between the rain are not technically alive. And why, once we’ve realized what we are, we no longer wish to remain physically alive.

It is a freedom, in a way; for instance, I can speak with several convincing accents. It is a hobby of mine, to speak to myself in different voices and accents. It breaks up the monotony of my loneliness, if only a little. It is a freedom that I can start speaking to everyone that I meet in an English or Icelandic or Scottish accent, that I can begin introducing myself as Bingstrom Banton, Halgaar Sorrenssen, or Patrick Caelíd, and no one would ever know the difference. I could quite literally change everything about myself to the point where I am no longer Grady F. Richards III, but some alter-ego out of a Freudian nightmare. Anyone could attempt it, but only a Background Person can make it real. We have no one to call us on our lies. We have nothing holding us back.

I choose to remain Grady F. Richards III, not because I think being a typical, uninteresting, naïve American will get me anywhere in life, but because I hope that some day, someone will love me for who I am, not who I am adept at pretending to be. The assumed identity is an amusing concept, but it is not who I am. I pride myself on honesty and integrity. Sure, I understand that one certain way to un-become a Background Person is to become an exciting and exotic and boisterous foreigner with a great tale to tell- and I’m a writer, aren’t I? I can spin some yarns, if I so chose. But that would be counter productive, because there would come a day when I had to wake up and admit to myself that, while everyone loves Bingstrom Banton, no one loves Grady F. Richards III. I have to face that while living my life in truth, I could never accept that while living a lie.

It’s an amusing thought, though. And hell, do you ever really know anyone? Maybe we don’t have to love someone for who they are, but can we at least appreciate them for not acting like someone they’re not?

It is this consideration of fellow man, this care, concern, and immutable goodness that has convinced me that, although I walk between the rain, I am alive. Perhaps more alive than I’ll ever know.

10 Reasons Why I Write

Everyone's life follows a different course, one way or another. People have different interests, different dependencies, different habits, and different quirks which make them who they are. Individuality is, as I've always said, purely in the mannerism. When asked who I am, what purpose I serve, and what ultimate legacy I will leave behind, my answer is always concise and wonderful. I write. Why is it that writing is a practice that many abandon once they've gotten over that seventh grade crush? I'll never know. Why is it that some people continue writing, writing anything, even if it is only sweet nothings on the bathroom walls? Some of you may never know. Writing is, to me, a pivotal and integral experience; one which can entirely alter the course of my day, week... life. There are a lot of reasons why I write. The easiest to explain is that I believe I can some day earn a living with my craft. But this is only a shred of the truth. In this chain of partially-related paragraphs I call an essay, I intend to give you my top ten reasons why I aspire to be a writer, whether professional or hobbyist.

Discontent:

That's right, friends. As a child, I wrote out of boredom- I used characters from Mortal Kombat and Calvin & Hobbes, whatever I was into that day. But it wasn't serious writing- I rarely even finished a chapter. When I started writing seriously, it was forged with none other than that beautiful, priceless ore of discontent.

You see, I had just discovered the joy that is Fantasy Fiction and I was about seven books deep in The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. I saw all the limitless possibilities balancing with a true storyteller's knack for painting his story with realism- so as not to overwhelm me with the pretentious, Dungeons and Dragons fantasy.

The only flaw was the ubiquitous use of stock characters. Not all characters were stereotypes, but many of them were. The real atrocity I faced, contradicting my beliefs that Goodkind was an amazing first-time author, was the fact that, no matter what the ordeal, not a single character ever developed. It was in this disappointment that I found the writer inside me.

I began work on my own fantasy world, with regions and cultures and histories, eventually finding a story and a cast of characters who- months later- disappointed the hell out of me. I kept the world I had created, revising, reprising, and refining for about three years until it became what it is today. Then I sat down and wrote about new characters. The next thing I knew- which is a major exaggeration- I had finished my first novel, "The Lonely Wood." It was 435 pages. 115,000+ words.

Nothing Else to Do

Ah, si! Those first days as a writer- and a poor one at that- while I painstakingly labored over every word of "The Lonely Wood"s first two hundred pages was simply because I wanted to and I had nothing better to do. Building a world is a lot of work, but it is work which can be done in your own head while working menial jobs. It's not something you want to do in a factory, operating The Mangler, perhaps, but warehouse jobs, fast food jobs, janitorial jobs, especially (these are all early jobs of mine, where my own little world was created) are perfect for oblique mental creation.

Over time, writing only when I had nothing better to do turned into not caring to do other things, so I might have some more time to write. This was what started me on the path to being a serious writer. Not just a hobbyist. Seriously, folks... I write at least six hours a day, on one thing or another. Including drafts for articles like this, which I haven't yet published for your viewing pleasure.

Voice

Voice is one of the most important aspects to me, yet it only ranks as number three, har har. Voice is something that not everyone can have- despite what your self esteem videos taught you in fourth grade counseling when the other children were at recess. Voice is a gift, but more than that, it is a skill. Some people learn that they have it. Fewer still seek to develop it. And, to be honest, some don't have it, but pretend to- and we all know them, don't we? That's right! They're the ones who taught your Creative Writing course and shot down everything you ever did, because their work on spaghetti westerns and bodice rippers in the late 70's were far superior to anything you could ever do. But then again, we can't forget that ageless truth: If You Can, Do- If You Can't, Teach. There is a reason these great sages and eminent scribes are teaching a course, rather than joining the curriculum of said course. You see what I did there? I got onto a perfectly relevant, yet tangent-like rant. But I made you smile, if only a twitch at the corner of your mouth. That is voice. But there is another aspect of voice which comes into play...right...about...

heah!

Informative Entertainment

There are two names that I was called throughout school (which did not end in death by bunga-bunga). I was called a class clown, and a know-it-all. What I've learned over the years is, seriously, the smartest kids get the biggest laughs. We're quick, we're snappy. We've got, I'm gonna say it: zazz. We have the vocabulary to push at people's boundaries and the ability to properly articulate. If you add that to the skill of honing your own voice (figuratively) you can be a know-it-all and still come up with something pretty "chuckalicious." Excuse that word, a little bit of Richie Tozier lives in my dirty, dirty mouth.
Anyhow, it's an art to make people laugh internally while simultaneously informing them of something they didn't know. I'm still a little new at it, so I just cheat and go for funny topics, like child-molesting werewolf/vampire hybrids with guardian dragons to protect them from evil-doers. By the way, if you think I mad-libbed that last sentence, refer to my February blog with a very similar name...

*Expletive Deleted* (Meow)

That's right, again! Being a talented writer is no different from being a rockstar, president, or Anne Heche. There's tons of 'tang to be gotten. I have, so far, charmed the pants off one lucky lady with my writing abilities... I'm well on my way. Come to think of it, I don't remember her reading any of it. Hmm. Okay, maybe she was just a ho.

The truth of it is, I needed a good number five spot for my top ten reasons. (And I'm still holding out for that kinky librarian/teacher type who really loves my work)

Balance

Okay, back to all seriousness. You might have noticed that I'm a little... well, up and down. I've never really outgrown that pubescent rollercoaster- hell, sometimes the carnival of my emotions runs it backward on its track and I'm in the first (or last) seat. I'm not a balanced person- when I'm not writing well. I'm not particularly sure what does it... If, perhaps, there is some sort of neurotransmitter secretion in my brain that balances my kooky chemicals when my creative flow is at its highest. God knows women have those chemicals (i.e. blood and bits of placenta) which turn on their bitchy mouths once in a while... Don't hate me for that, please. But I have a cycle, too. One which is not predictable by the moon's phase.

Jesus, if you don't believe I'm unbalanced, go back and read that paragraph again. I'm all over the place! I have run-on and fragmented sentences in the same sentence! Oh, and there's the whole woman-bashing and immediate, avid apology thing. And that weird carnival metaphor, what's with that? Anyway, contrary to this particular article, most writing balances me out. And I loves it!

The Weight of a Thought

For rizzle, punks. I think too much. Sometimes my knowledge weighs me down while my ignorance pushes me up, creating a very uncomfortable and un-sexy sandwich scenario. I have a lot on my mind for apparently no reason. I just get to thinking about Stonehenge being lonely and trains being forgotten and all sorts of emo crap. I try to talk about it, but I'm not so good at the whole saying the words and having them come out of my mouth good thing. So I write, allowing the thought to vent and get the fuck out of my head before dwelling on it makes me cut off my own limbs and eat them.

Escapism

Yup. Plain ol' unadulterated (or adulterated ;)) escapism. Sometimes I need to not be Grady anymore. Not because I don't like who I am or I can't deal with my life. Just because, sometimes I need to play dress up for the soul. I can be anything I want to be when I write, depending on the genre in which I am particularly engrossed. I can do anything, as long as I can explain it reasonably. It's my version of video games, or doing the whole stand in front of the mirror and suck my gut in thing that people do. Sometimes, Dekalb is just pretty damn lame. Sometimes, Grady is just pretty damn lame. For this reason, also, I write. But this is another reason to read. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, a nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh?

All For You!

Yeah, I even put you on my top ten reasons to write, for what would be the worth of writing without a reader? Exactly... Exactly one reader. It is for your escapism as much as mine- even more so, I dare say- that I write. You don't have to thank me.

Am I to number ten yet? I should have numbered the headers, darn it!

Because I Could Never Be A Lumberjack

Seriously, that looks really tough.

My Conspiracy Theories Made Flesh...

SO! Some of you may remember one of my last posts... About how zombies, however irrational, are entirely possible. Surely, there were many of you who didn't believe my philo(scoff)ical theory that scientists are actively involved in what is called "reanimation research," or, simply put: killing things, then bringing them back to life. To those of you who laugh at my uncited evidence, here is an article I found on the subject.

"In a series of nightmarish experiments straight out of a horror flick, scientists at a leading university have killed dozens of dogs — then brought them back to life.

The hapless pooches, who have their blood drained for up to three hours, are being reanimated in a bid to develop the use of suspended animation to help humans who are injured in combat or crime."

This is the point where I remind you that reanimation research could go a long way toward curing paralysis, reviving coma patients, or elongating human lifespans long enough for people to realize their own futility.

"In the unsettling tests, dogs of all breeds and sizes are put under, their veins drained of blood and filled with an ice-cold salt solution which drops their body temperature from a normal 101 degrees to near freezing."

"That puts them in a state of extreme hypothermia, making them scientifically dead — with no breathing, heartbeat or brain activity. But their tissues and vital organs are preserved.

The corpses are then brought back to life by returning the blood to their bodies, giving them pure oxygen and applying electric shocks to restart their hearts.

For a long time, the test subjects couldn’t be brought back to life after more than two hours. But recently, the researchers added glucose and more oxygen to the blood and have pushed the maximum time the dogs can be dead to three hours."

Now, three hours isn't all that long to be dead, considering that the coma patients that this would theoretically benefit would be unresponsive for much longer before this option were appropriate to explore. But how long do you suppose it takes for the soul to leave the body after death? Remember "Pet Sematary" by Stephen King? These animals were brought back to life, but they had changed inexplicably for the worse. It is my supposition that the soul would leave the body much sooner- like immediately- yet scientists, as wily and unconcerned as they are, would push the bar further...

“We’ve tried to get it to four hours, but we just haven’t been able to do it,” Kochanek told The Post.

What sort of thing could we expect from a reanimated doggy-corpse? Seriously, is there anything good which can come of it?

Nope. Not really. Can we really expect to kill an animal, only to bring it back to life ANY amount of time afterward without losing every thing but the physical body? Would the animal (or person, if you remember the purpose behind the research is) return to us, just as they had been before?

"The lucky ones turn out to be perfectly normal with no brain damage — although other dogs are stricken with serious physical or behavioral problems."

I understand that this isn't an exact science, but do you need to mess with it, at all? Seriously, sometimes pets and people die, sometimes they are rendered comatose; it's nature. Do we really want to try and reanimate their dead corpses seeking a minute chance that they will be returned to us exactly the same as before? Is it a risk we are willing to take? I hope this aids your decision:

Or how about this?


Or! Oh, yeah, I'm going there... THIS:


And that's all I've got. Hopefully my images here have spoken for themselves.

P.S. Yes, I can fuel all of my views with Stephen King's works to back me up.

Stonehenge.

Have you ever thought about Stonehenge? I like thinking about it. The ancient, archaic mysticism behind it, the spiritual intrigue, the historic questions left unanswered. but tonight I thought about Stonehenge in an entirely different light. A sadder, more futile light. Stonehenge is, as everyone knows, a mystery. The Druids behind its construction are long since dead, leaving behind no documented record of their purpose. What is Stonehenge? Many have made suppositions, but that's all there is. Guesswork which paradoxically raises more questions than answers. The magnificent stones have stood for thousands of years in their puzzling circles, overseeing the rise and fall of Rome, the rise of Christianity, and now the fall of piety and morality (in my opinion). But what is it? A gateway to another world, a meter to read the stars? A practical joke of such monumental proportions that we can't even find the heart to laugh? I don't know. But, as a breeze which dies away before having the chance to move so much as a single blade of grass, it might as well not exist, despite its glory. Stonehenge seems to me now, a lonely place, a sorrowful place. With the loss of those who understood it, it seemed, too, to have lost its soul; and yet the stones still stand.



I have to admit that I feel very much the same. The only people who have ever understood me are gone and, though I have a voice, my purpose is now a stoic and unmoving secret to the world. An unspoken understanding that there is, ironically, nothing there to understand. I, too, stand alone upon my grassy hillock, watching as time and existence continues to roll on its wheel with no concern whether I stand or fall. In this, Stonehenge and i are friends, but we are sordid companions who can never speak the same language, can never connect with souls that have seemingly dissipated from us like a fog when the sun breaks through the clouds.

What You Don't Know About Zombies...

Foreword: To my more loyal readers, I would do well to mention that, yes, this is about zombies- though all of you know I care little for the zombie archetype in film and folklore. The notion is just silly when it comes down to it- seriously... Dead people getting up and walking around, eating the brains of the living and moaning incomprehensibly like Ethiopians? Come on! The zombie is a metaphorical device- and a witty one- but nothing more.

To my newer/less ravenous readers, I would do well to inform you that I hate zombies. Such things can never and will never exist.

That said, it is time to begin my latest excretion of the literary glands- and I will begin by admitting that I JUST LIED TO YOU. Although I maintain that I disapprove of the zombie archetype, it is, however, very possible- and the probability grows with each day.

Grady, you have to be fucking kidding me!

I kid you not, um... Grady. Let's look at a widely known fact:
A zombie is a reanimated corpse; a dead being who, by one agent or another, has gained the ability to crawl from its grave or crypt to mildly unsettle the living.

Now, let us look at a little known fact:
There are many scientific causes for zombification- though no wild-haired PhD has ever actually called it by that name. Let's look at one we have all heard about.

Mad Cow Disease: This is the result when you feed ground-up cow to another cow. Then killing the cow and feeding it to yet another unknowing, but grateful cow. Do this a hundred times, and you get a cow that has just ingested a superprotein and finds itself going insatiably crazy at the drop of a hat. The aggression experienced could be compared to rabies, but I would bet my money on Mad-Bessie over Cujo, any day. What happens when a human ingests a burger infected the Mad Cow Strain? Another disease known as Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. That sounds pretty bad... German-named diseases are always trouble. But is it like Alzheimer's?

No. No, it's not. C-J Disease has a number of disturbing side effects; all of which remind me pointedly of zombies. The most extreme of these are changes in stride, hallucinations, lack of coordination, muscle twitching, seizures, and rapidly developing dementia.

So, can we expect the living dead to come for you, Barbara? No, I don't think so. Most of the Mad Cow Scare is over, considering the precautions that are being taken to prevent exactly this. But are we safe from other conditions mirroring the undead? No, we are not.

There are unseen forces which can turn us into living corpses- just as there are parasites such as the tapeworm, feeding on your nourishment until you are dead, there are also parasites in your brain which, let's face it, know how to work your brain signals better than you do. The most frightening of these brain parasites is called toxoplasmosa gondii. The fact that TPG is quite often found in rats means little in the long-run, considering that literally fifty percent of all humans are infected with TPG. Seriously: spit in the air, it will land on a zombie larva.

How, do you ask, does this parasite create zombies? I'm glad you asked. As I have said, TPG is commonly found in rats- they love to live in those little rodent brains. Unfortunately for them, they are forced to reproduce inside the intestines of cats. As the salmon are irrationally drawn to swim up waterfalls to spawn, so are TPG drawn to feline innards as a mating ground. How do they do this? Well, that's easy! They manipulate the rat brains they call home, crossing signals and taking up the reins, forcing the rat to go against its strongest instinct of survival, allowing itself to be eaten by the cat.

That's a little scary, you might be thinking. Now remember that these parasites live in half of the human population. Also, you might do well to consider the fact that all creatures are constantly adapting and when the TPG learns to pilot the human brain, three and a half billion people are going to be under the control of microscopic parasites similar to those creating the undead outbreak in Resident Evil...

But is there anything Science can do to stop this from happening?
Don't be ridiculous. Science is intrigued by the idea of corpses walking around. More than that, the corporations and industries of the world are itching to get their hands on all that free slave-labor. Remember, human rights are voided upon death. So what is Science's role in creating a zombie outbreak? Why, they're engineering one, of course.

Genetic Engineering: Now, I'm not normally one to bash this sort of thing. I think the proper research could go a long way toward bettering the human race. Sadly, the aforementioned wild-haired scientists are only looking for results in research which is, as they put it, really, really cool. While they are under the pretense of using neurogenesis (revitalizing dead brain cells) in the effort to revive coma patients), we have to understand that no matter how long you keep a body on suspended animation, regrowing a dead brain and putting it in a skull- very much like Dr. Frankenstein- is still reanimation of corpses. Do the scientists know this? Of course. Oddly enough, this research is actually called reanimation research. I'm not certain, but I think there was a horror story by either H.P. Lovecraft or E.A. Poe which predicted exactly this crisis.

So, obviously science is against us, as well. Will no one take our side? Not even nature?
Hah! Nature is the worst one. In fact, there are literally hundreds of natural things out there that can cause a body to fall into the zombie category. To be honest, the zombie stories originated from these very things. In India there is a snake, the Krait, whose venomous bite causes the victim to fall into a deep paralysis. In most cases, the victim will wake up after burial, clawing their way from the earth, but some unfortunate souls have awoken to find themselves on an autopsy table with the rib-separators deep in their chests. Snake bites aren't all, though. There are naturally occurring chemicals that have been in use as folk remedies for thousands of years (most residing in Africa and Central America) which will have identical results. On top of all this, there are neurotoxins- poisonous bacteria/viruses/particles which directly affect the brain- just floating around out there. When brains are introduced to these neurotoxins, their serotonin levels become erratic and the subject is often- and irreparably- damaged. This happens more often that most people would imagine. Ever wonder why every town has that one crazy guy wandering around, dressing in women's clothing and cursing at children from across the street? Chances are, he has been introduced to neurotoxins which have caused his mental acuity to deteriorate drastically.

I haven't even gotten to my own theories on long-term insomnia and slow-sleeper insomnia having zombie-like effects, nor have I mentioned the widely discussed Nano-bot Conspiracies (because I think they're bullshit) but I think I've successfully put the fear of the dickens in you nonetheless.

But seriously, what are the chances of ME becoming a zombie?
Well, when you look at the fifty percent infection rate of toxoplasmosa gondii, the millions of Kraits in India, the thousands of naturally occurring chemicals in the third world, the scientific experimentation, Mad Cow Disease, or the possibility of unexpected mutation of potential pandemics, I'd say the chances are more likely than any of us would like to admit. And the scariest part? If not for George Romero and his myriad zombie flicks, we would have little idea what we were in for.

So, when you get down on your knees tonight, praying to God for the health of your family and friends, you might want to add this short passage along with the others: "... and please don't let anyone come in contact with any of the thousands of things which could make them turn into a living-corpse eating my face. Amen."

The Catholic Church

Okay, I've got some things to say about the Catholic Church- Not that I have anything against Cathol, himself, but seriously, people, this shit is cracked. I'm going to make some jokes here- the door is simply open too far to ignore, but what I am talking about is completely true.


The Catholic church has added a new list of "Deadly Sins". The original Seven Deadly Sins- which came from John Milton's "Paradise Lost" and Dante Alighieri's "The Divine Comedy" and not, Ironically, the bible- were, of course: Lust, Greed, Sloth, Pride, Gluttony, Wrath, and Envy. The new Deadly Sins... Oh, goodness, that's so ridiculous to say. Hang on a second while I go off on a tangent...

How can we ADD sins? If we are to believe a word of the Bible, we are to believe ALL OF IT. Perhaps not the more apocryphal passages that didn't even make it into the Old Testament, but WE CAN'T CHANGE THE BIBLE!!! There never should have been a New Testament, King James Version, or Modern Bible for Women. Puh-leeze! Religious Scripture cannot be altered without negating the premise...

... That being said, allow me to introduce you to the new DEADLY sins... While they don't have the verbal zazz of the originals, they are deadly sins- officially.


POLLUTING: While I agree that pollution is a very valid issue, I don't quite understand how the Catholic Church can identify with it- without blinking themselves out of existence, that is. In order for a substance to actually pollute the world, it would have to be man-altered... The Old Testament God didn't create anything which could have possibly polluted the planet. Only synthetics can pollute, where in the days of the Old Testament- hell, up to a hundred years ago, all of our waste was organic- and thus serving as compost, rather than litter. If the Catholic Church agrees that pollution exists, they also must agree that their God doesn't exist.


GENETIC ENGINEERING: That's right! I'm not making this up, I swear. Genetic engineering, i.e. cloning, chromosome manipulation, and the storage or application of stem cells have been added to the Updated List of Deadly Sins. You may be wondering... "Stem cells can potentially SAVE lives- or give us the ability to live forever! How can that be deadly?" I guess the only thing I can say is "Five billion clones: carbon copies of an original, which do not necessarily possess a conscience, an ability to determine right from wrong, or any moral fiber whatsoever. Anyhow, the Church has now called Genetic Engineering a Deadly Sin. I hope to see the update in the up-and-coming Newer New Testament for Modern Men (And Women [And Children]{And beloved, virtuous pets}) which can be downloaded and synched to your iPod for only twelve dollars a month, proceeds going to bigger hats for the Pope.


POSSESSING OBSCENE RICHES: Oh, Geeze, where do I start? I guess, first of all, I should mention the fact that Vatican City- nestled within Italy- is technically its own country. It generates enough revenue to be entirely independent as a nation- the smallest in the world, with one of the largest economies? Where does that money go? Not to the yearly stipend of ministers, that's for sure. One could say that the Vatican, and thus, the Pope, is in possession of obscene riches. Secondly, isn't possessing obscene riches a counterpart of greed? One without as zazzy a title? Next, who determines if one has obscene riches? What exactly is the frame of reference? It is easy to decide that Bill Gates (and the Pope) falls into this category, but how do you decide if YOU do? Perhaps I possess obscene riches because I own three television sets... Perhaps everyone who owns land in Alaska is committing a Deadly Sin because their land is rich with oil. How exactly do we define the bar of OBSCENE RICHES? Furthermore, how is this deadly? At one time, being a King of Kings was surely a deadly thing, but with today's Venture Cards, Brink's Home Security, and Last Will and Testaments, there is little chance of some country bumpkin knocking you off and justly claiming your estate out of conquest. It goes to reason that the man with the most money in the world is the safest man from all designs of death; able to afford better protection, better health care, and better overall quality of living through wealth.
Maybe that's why every Pope lives to be a hundred and sixty years old?

TAKING DRUGS: The scribes who wrote the very Bible we manipulate for political power were toking up on opium and marijuana. There is no doubt about it. Sure, cooking up amphetamines is a little different than smoking a plant, but refer to my first headlining paragraph.... If the church admits that man can make synthetics against the will of God, the aforementioned God surely does not exist. What were they thinking? Deadly, yes. Drugs are deadly. But do they have to be a sin? I think crime is very reasonable. I, for one, do not partake in the use of drugs. I haven't for six years. But I think that calling the use of drugs a sin is a bit boastful and... for lack of a better term: bullshiterifous. Furthermore, is there an ex post facto on the new Deadly Sin? For example, if I did drugs six years ago, before it became a sin, am I still condemned to hell even though it was previously just a crime? According to the vengeful and wrathful God of the Israelites, yes, I would be. But I have a feeling that these new sins are politically motivated, rather than mused from the divine....

ABORTION: There's that political battering ram! Yes, I'm starting to make sense, now. For one thing, killing is killing and is a sin all its own. So why is there a dispute about the virtue/sin of abortion? Because the very Bible we use to spearhead against the Pro-Choice (of which I am part, in the search for population control) states that THE LIFE IS IN THE BLOOD. When does the fetus become infused with blood? Up to eighteen days after fertilization, giving us a two-and-a-half week grace period between Perfectly Okay and Unforgivable Sin. The addition of Abortion as a Deadly Sin only further convinces me that political payoffs are behind this movement. Perhaps the Pope himself is seeking a seat of power- higher power than the mediator between God and the rest of us rats, I mean.


Get this one...

PEDOPHILIA: That's right, kids! It's now a sin for the priest to fuck you! Who in their right mind didn't consider this sinful in the first place? I think, at least, that it was covered by the umbrella sin of LUST. It is my feeling that the inclusion of pedophilia as a Deadly Sin is only a pathetic attempt to redeem themselves after the allegations that have been going on for the last ten years. It's a sad attempt, and one which is far too late. But it certainly is a sin! And one which is deadly when the little boy victim's father finds out what that wolf of the cloth has been up to when Little Johnny was confessing to peeking on his sister changing clothes...

And the last one- and possibly the most humorous/ludicrous...

CAUSING SOCIAL INJUSTICE... Are you fucking kidding me? I cause social injustice every day- and if nothing else, it should redeem me in the sight of God for having the courage to humiliate these sheep! Anyway, myself aside, what is Causing Social Injustice? I couldn't possibly document the whole list, but let's take a look at one petty Social Injustice... Saying you boned someone when you didn't. Of course, every thirteen year old boy has told this lie... and for those few people who were actually believed, this gave a lasting reputation on the victimized female, forever branding her a slut. This is a Social Injustice if ever there was one, but is it really a Deadly Sin? Yes, people have been killed over exactly this, and lying is a sin, but does it really need to accompany the REAL DEADLY SINS of Dante's Divine Comedy? I think not. Another petty scenario, here. Once I was standing in an elevator at the House of Blues Hotel in Chicago. We were going down to the lobby from the Fourth Floor. A ride of about ten seconds. I felt some uncomfortable gas in my midsection, so I squeezed out a rather loud fart. To save myself embarrassment, I turned to the guy next to me and glared at him sharply. The rest of the people in the elevator did the same, making that "Social" situation very uncomfortable for the innocent man. Thus, according to the Newer New Testament for Blah-blah, I am now condemned to hell. Personally, I think the Nazi Pope Benedictine personally recommended this Deadly Sin so that the political cartoons about him in the New York Times will finally come to an end.


Well, friends and fans, that's all i have to say about the Catholic Church, how God does not exist, and the Pope should be lynched publicly. If I go on, I will likely go to prison. I hope you have enjoyed this little article, it having opened your eyes indelibly to the nonsensical nuisance which is organized religion. On the other side, if I have questioned your blind following of the lemming in front of the line and you find yourself extremely offended. Send me all the hate mail you like, for I will feel Socially Injusticed. And you will go to Hell with me.

Five Contributors to the Decline of Modern America

It takes many stones to reduce an empire to dust; and America is the new Roman Empire. If we look to history as an prediction of the future, we will see that complacence was the tidal wave which swept Rome into oblivion. America, with its Ipods and Cappacino and Mercedez-Benz's (all foreign imports), has grown complacent of late and the purpose of this blog is to identify what I think the five major contributions to destruction will be.
Let it be known, before I get bombarded with hate mail, that I am not an Anti-American foreigner from some country you can't even locate on a map. I am an American, born and bred, and if you must hate me, hate me for my lack of patriotic ignorance. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate America- some of the scenery is quite picturesque, but aside from that, I've lost most faith in my "great" nation.

#5) SCENERY:

Okay, so I lied. Although there are a few national spectacles such as the Grand Canyon, most of the country is a vortex of suburbanite vapidity, complete with cookie-cutter housing, identical SUVs, and smug people with high-paying jobs that they hate, or it is fatally mundane with farmland, which is not only unsightly, but it also smells quite bad. Aside from the handful of beautiful landscapes in this huge country, we have little worth living for.

How, you may ask, does this contribute to our downfall?

It's simple, really; we refuse to look at ourselves and what little we have, so we look to the other nations of the world- and that usually ends with "conflict." It is quite possible that we are jealous of the superior asthetics of other countries and, though we pretend to not see them, we secretly pine for such landscapes of our own. What is the Grand Canyon when compared to the marvel of stonehenge or the Great Wall of China? These man made structures have stood the test of time, drawing tourists from all over the world, all year long. Is the Grand Canyon so special? Isn't it just a natural rift in the surface of a very trite desert? If holes in the ground are what interests us, why don't we take a look at Australia's Wolfe Creek Crater: a monolithic hole in the ground that started its existence as a projectile from outer space? I mean, how cool is that? A freaking burning rock hurled through an ungodly distance of space to end up in Australia... There isn't much out there more impressive than that.

But what about the Grand Canyon?

Well, typical deluded Americans will tell you that a giant named Paul Bunyan, occompanied by his blue ox companion, dragged his enormous axe across the ground, tearing it into a gaping void for disfunctional families to shoot photos of on their bicker-ridden family trip. But that's just a bit preposterous, isn't it? More than that, it is blatant vandalism- which should not be condoned by a land arrogant enough to call itself "THE GREATEST NATION IN THE WORLD." When compared to so many other wonders, America's pride and joy is nothing more than a pathetic crack in the desert.

#4) GUNS:

Many Americans don't know this, but most of the world aren't packing! In a country where everybody and their mother is strapped to the teeth, you would expect crime to be very low, indeed. After all, how many people are going to break into a home or car, or try to attack a loner in a park, when the chance of finding yourself at gunpoint is pretty likely? The sad truth of it is, most people who own a gun to protect themselves in such a situation own pesky .22 caliper six-shooters, quite often locked away in a box. The criminals, on the other hand, are sporting glock nine millimeters, ground down and illegally modified to automatics. The crime rate doesn't suffer much when the police are carrying Colt .45's and the perpetrators are boasting Tech 9's and Mac 10's. Not to mention the southern gents with entire arsenals of heavy machine guns and anti-armor missiles, or the wholists who fill their basements with grenades and Uzi's in preparation of the Apocalypse.

What is the danger, then? Obviously we are more prepared than other countries...

Do you remember what happened during the original radio broadcast of War of the Worlds? The hoax was effective enough to bring riots to the streets- and this was just a radio program! I'm not saying that E.T. is going to pop in for a reunion with Elliot and the whole country's going to go haywire, but let's look at America's stress-management problem... We thought little green men were coming down to meet our leaders and, rather than banding together diplomatically, preparing ourselves for anything, we started breaking windows and stealing friggin' groceries. Do any of you remember what it was like when your second grade teacher stepped out of the classroom for even the most brief of moments? The room went fucking crazy! Kids climbing on desks, paper airplanes whirring through the air like recyclable Red Barons, students who only moments before were respectful human beings, suddenly lost thousands of years of evolution, regressing back into a more primordial state. Now, I ask you, what will happen when a nuke is finally launched, either at us or an "ally?" With the teacher's eye turned away, the monkeys will return, this time armed like terrorists and meaning business. As soon as the precarious hold over humanity trembles, America will be there to spill the blood.

#3) Education:

Speaking of children behaving like monkeys in classrooms, I have fluidly moved on to the next plague on the American Empire. The educational system is certainly better than what could be found in third world countries that worship charter planes flying overhead... but what kind of boast is that? That's like beating a thousand one-legged, eighty-year-old runners afflicted with Downs Syndrome in a marathon. A few scant countries in Asia, Africa, and South America are less educated than we, but Oprah is determined to change that. As it turns out, Australia and many countries in Europe are way ahead of us in education- and that's just to name a few. If you are a typical American, have a conversation with a typical German or Englishman sometime. First of all, you will have to speak with them for hours before you get over the fact that they have accents... and use the metric system, but you will come to realize that their vocabulary dwarfs your own. And you will most likely find that many of them are fluent in several languages. The Dutch, for instance, speak four languages. Four languages! We can't comprehend this in America... some of us speak half-ass Spanish and half-ass English, but let's face it; ebonics and foreign curse words do not count as languages. Most importantly, though, America has taken the lazy approach to education by stating that "America is the greatest country in the world... the only one that matters. If you look here on the map, children, you will see Eer... eer... Oh, Europe. England is over here, somewhere, and France, I think. Oh, and the Dominican Republic, Mars, and Atlantis." It is at the fault of haphazard education that Americans are so ignorant to the fact that there are other countries. We tend to believe that Europeans still live in huts with dirt floors, trading in beads and goats, just waiting until the day that America graces them with electricity, like Prometheus bringing fire to the mortals... Let's not forget what happened to Prometheus, by the way...

America's ignorance is one of the greatest contributors to the coming downfall. But it is not the end...

#2) THE MEDIA

Sure! Who can forget such classic moments in Amercian film as Clint Eastwood beseeching punks to make his day and aliens from long ago insisting that the force is quite strong with a poorly dressed orphan with bad hair? But films are more important to typical Americans than just occupying ninety minutes of their time while the obesity rate soars to infinite... and beyond. It is our window to the rest of the world, the only outlet most of us have to these so-called other countries. Unfortunately, this window is often tinted to our own colors, as such films as Hostel and Duece Bigalow: European Gigalow. Our perspective of the rest of the world is skewed by the unfair stereotypes the media bestows upon the rest of the world, for whatever reasons. But is American film so great that it should be the primary source of culture? Hell no. In fact, the days of Great American Film are over. In its place is the redundant regurgitations of other, more successful stories from the past, though these puddles of vomit still gross millions, thanks to the ignorant American patrons that think culture is just a term used for cottage cheese. Many Americans have noticed the decline in Cinema, though, and to accomodate the few cattle who broke away from the herd, American Cinema answered back with a bombshell. Now, in addition to screenwriters chucking up leftover plots from the year before, American Cinema is also puking up stolen leftovers from countries like Japan- who have realized how crappy certain movies were and have since vowed never to repeat them, upon penalty of hari kiri. But shameless and proud America will continue chewing the cud until next year, where the same movies will be released under different titles, scraping the bottom of a gene pool long since gone to oblivion. It is the cinematic version of cousins marrying themselves into substandard IQ's in the name of royal blood. The biggest downfall of this tragic happenstance is simply contributing to the insurmountable ignorance of the people. If you were to ask most Americans about the end of the conflict in Viet Nam, many would tell you that John Rambo single-handedly won the war, blowing up a helecopter with a friggin' rock. I hate to burst your bubble, friends, but the Infallible American Forces lost the conflict in Viet Nam, and John Rambo never existed. It is this mentality that will decide America's loss, when World War III commences.

By the way, an Austrian cyborg really isn't coming back from the future to stop Judgement Day... That too is a fabrication.

#1) Attitude:

But for all of our downfalls, the number one is just the simple arrogant attitude so easily encorporated by common Americans. That attitude is the epitome of the aforementioned cons of modern American society. We still have little idea that other countries exist- and if they do, surely their soldiers are inferior, their technology is inferior, and what's the big deal? Everyone loves Americans- we're awesome! Sorry friends, but this couldn't be any less true. I remember seeing footage from Israel, some years ago, where a Palastinian was throwing rocks at an oncoming M11 Tank. I couldn't help but think of America here, because- even though the Palastinian possessed no weapon other than rocks- Americans would likely adopt little more than stones of their own, if we were face-to-face with an invading army. We are raised under the mantra of "Greatest Nation in the World" and, therefore, we rarely question the frame of refference. We blindly assume that America can get out of any situation, just by being America. If an army were to attack on American soil, the first thought of many Americans would be: Pssh. Stupid commies, don't they know we have gun powder? It's like we expect an onrushing assault of Middle Age peasants, shooting bows, brandishing clubs, and hurling strips of meat from plague-ridden dogs. America, seriously, an army is an army. Just being America will do little to free us from tough situations, but by being real human beings who just happen to be from America, perhaps we won't get cold shoulders when we go to other countries. Americans, you won't find a bloody baseball game in England- that's an American game. Scottish people do not drive on the wrong side of the road, just the left side. And that basin in your French hotel room is not a drinking fountain, you dumb bastards: it is called a badet, and is used to clean your nethers. If we could break out of our superior attitude, maybe we wouldn't be the most hated country in the world. Let's face it, America: We are not "the Greatest Nation in the World," but a single blah nation among many other truly Great Nations. Canada, UK, Ireland, Australia, Germany, Poland, the Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Iceland, Denmark, Italy, Greece, Spain, France, Portugal, Japan, and so many more of you- You are the greatest of the truly great nations, and thank you for putting up with us for so long.